I'm Not Drunk & I'm Not Sad
by Halawen
Summary: Drew and Bianca are surprised to find a very drunk Clare at a party. They're even more horrified when she confesses a terrible secret. One that will eat from inside if they can't help her. Two-shot also starring Fitz, Owen and Adam.
1. Don't Let the Darkness Swallow You

**Welcome to this two-shot! Remember how I said the unfinished Asher story spawned a million plot bunnies? This is another one of those plot bunnies.**

 **Legal: I own nothing but the idea.**

 **Important things to know about this story:**

 ***This story contains possible trigger warnings read with caution**

 ***POV jumps around a bit in this chapter**

 ***Mostly cannon through Waterfalls I changed some details which are explained in this chapter**

 ***This begins a couple days after Clare and Asher in the car**

 ***Fitz still works at The Dot but backed off after Eli crashed and he and Eli are civil to each other**

 **Ch. 1 Don't Let the Darkness Swallow You**

 **(DREW)**

"I'm not going to know anyone here," I complain to Bianca as we approach the house.

"It's a party you'll mingle," she replies. The party we're at is being held by someone Bianca knows from the ravine. Owen and Fitz were invited too but Fitz is working and Owen is hanging with some of the Ice Hounds tonight for team bonding or something.

Bianca opens the door and we go into the party. I see a lot of faces I've never seen before and one I see nearly every day but would never expect to see at a party held by ravine kids. Not only is she at a party held by ravine kids but she's drinking heavily. Clare is sitting on the kitchen table, downing a shot of something. She's giggling and there's a couple guys flirting with her.

Bianca and I both freeze when we see her. Bianca doesn't know Clare at all and I only know her through Adam, she's been at the house many times but we've exchanged very few words. I know I don't know her very well but I know that she would never be at a party drinking that much. She doesn't even seem to be bothered by the fact that the guys are flirting with her, touching her hair and skin even though she's still dating Eli.

"Did we pass into an alternative universe?" Bianca questions as we're still watching Clare.

"I guess so. I'll ask Adam if something's up with her tomorrow but maybe she's just trying to get attention like when she ran into the woods. You want something to drink?"

"Just pop, I have a later curfew but I still can't be caught drinking."

I grab a pop for Bianca and a beer for me, Bianca starts chatting with people she actually knows the people here. I get a little bored and start watching Clare as she flirts with the guys as much they flirt with her. I wonder if Eli knows where she is and then realize he doesn't because he'd be here now dragging her out and killing every one of these guys. Although I don't know her that well I start to worry about how much she's drinking. There's drinking for teenage rebellion, teenagers wanting to have fun and experiment with alcohol, and then there's drinking to get over something. Clare is drinking pretty heavily and seems to be trying to forget something with the use of alcohol.

"Let's play grizzly details," one boy says.

"Okay, what's that?" Clare asks but follows the boys to sit on the floor so they can play.

"It's like truth or dare. You'll catch on real fast," another boy assures her.

I decide to play with them and keep a closer eye on Clare. At this point she's so drunk it wouldn't take much for one of the boys to take advantage of her.

"Hi Drew," Clare grins realizing I'm here. "You're so cute Drew," she giggles throwing her arms around my neck and hugging me tightly.

"Hey Clare," I reply patting her head because I know she's quiet drunk.

One of the guys begins and it takes a few round to get to Clare but when it does she's asked about the first time she had sex.

"She's never…" I begin to tell them she's never had sex but Clare cuts me off.

"My co-op boss, his car, a couple of nights ago," she says and my mouth drops open as my eyes widen with shock. Part of me wants to believe that she's joking, that she's drunk and doesn't know what she's saying. But if she's saying drunk fantasies I'd expect it to be about Eli or something not her co-op boss. And when she said it she wasn't smiling or happy or giggly like she has been for the rest of the night she's somber and sad.

"Ooh an older man," one girl laughs.

"Nice," a guy grins but Clare cringes. They don't see the look in her eyes but I do. Whatever happened with her boss I have a bad feeling about it.

Clare doesn't look drunk anymore but she gets up and grabs another drink. She downs it in a few seconds and then takes another drink, and then a shot and then she passes out. She lies back on the floor and one of the guys looks at her with a carnal grin. If I leave her for even a second these guys will eat her alive. So I pick her up and start looking for Bianca.

"B I'm going to take Clare to my house she passed out."

"Yeah I can see that, I'll come with you," she says.

Bianca says goodbye to her friends and I put Clare in the backseat. When we start driving back to my place I tell her what Clare confessed during grizzly details.

"Shit her co-op boss raped her in his car?"

"That's what it sounded like but she was very drunk and I didn't get a chance to ask any questions. I don't think taking her home like this is a good idea."

"Yeah probably not, I wonder what Fiona will tell Eli when she finds Clare there in the morning?"

"Eli will freak if he finds out let's hope he doesn't," I reply.

We get back to the loft and I carry Clare up, B unlocks the door after fishing the keys from my pocket. I know Fiona is out with Imogen but I'm not sure when they'll be back so I take Clare into my room. There's a small sofa in this room and I set Clare on that. I cover her with a blanket and then Bianca and I watch TV in the living room. I consider telling my brother I have Clare here and she was drunk but I don't want to worry him and I don't want him to tell Eli. Bianca and I go to bed pretty early checking on Clare before we fall asleep. We sleep soundly until Clare groans the next morning. I know she's about to throw up so I grab the trashcan from near my bed and take it to her. She grabs it and vomits several times.

"I feel terrible," Clare complains.

"Welcome to hangover hell Babe," Bianca says as she stands up. "I'll grab her some water and put on some coffee."

"Do you remember last night?" I ask Clare.

"I remember getting to the party and drinking and…we didn't kiss or anything did we? I have a vague recollection if sitting next to you in a circle playing truth or dare or something," she comments just as Bianca returns with water.

"You hugged me and it was grizzly details. Someone asked about your first time and you said it was a couple of nights ago with your co-op boss in his car," I enlighten her and she suddenly goes green. She looks like she might vomit again but instead she bursts into tears.

"He kissed me first," she says between sobs and wipes her eyes. "Writing the article for Eli's play her kissed me after we finished. I was shocked and couldn't believe it was happening and then I pushed him away and ran out. I told Ali but no one else, I confronted Asher about it when I got to co-op and he told me it was a mistake and his fault and some other stuff. It sounded reasonable, we were working closely together and he lost his head for a moment. I believed it every word of it and things went back to normal, for a few hours. He invited me to cover the mayoral debate that evening and I wasn't worried at all. We were in his car, he showed me my article for Eli's play and then…" she pauses biting her lip as her eyes well with saltwater once more. "It happened so fast…it didn't seem real…I was sure I was dreaming…he was on top of me so fast…he moved the seat back…hiked up my dress…" Clare pauses every few words for a deep shuddering breath and to cry. Her thoughts seem fractured and she looks like she might break.

"He raped you," Bianca whispers and Clare nods.

"It hurt and felt like it was forever but it wasn't. When he was done he sat down again and started driving. I couldn't even cry I was just…sort of not there. He took me home; I didn't even know he knew where I lived. Before I got out of the car he told me if I cared about my career I'd keep quiet and then he drove off. I told Mom I wasn't feeling well and stayed home sick. When I went to co-op on Friday I went to Asher's boss and told her he assaulted me only to find out he already went to her and told her it was consensual and I am age of consent. I got fired for sexually assaulting him," Clare says between extreme rage and deep sorrowful hopelessness.

"You should go to the cops," I tell her but she shakes her head.

"His boss didn't believe me why would the cops?" Clare asks crying so hard again I can barely hear her. Clare cries for a while, curled up and without speaking and I'm not sure what to do. Bianca goes out to the kitchen and brings in some coffee for Clare and I look at my phone.

"I have to leave for work soon," I comment to Bianca.

"I don't feel well, I don't want to go home yet," Clare says.

"I'll stay with her," Bianca tells me.

"Okay I need to get ready for work, Clare you can rest in my bed," I tell her and she gets up moving shakily she lays in my bed. "You can rest here as long as you like, I'll check in later."

Bianca covers Clare up and I grab some clothes to change in the washroom. When I come out Clare seems to be asleep again in my bed. I kiss Bianca goodbye and leave for work but I spend the whole drive thinking about what Clare confessed to us. By the time I've gotten to work I decide Adam needs to know about this. He'll know how to help her, he won't overreact and Clare trusts him.

 **(BIANCA)**

Drew leaves and I watch Clare sleeping. After a while I decide to bring in some food and water for her. She may not be hungry when she wakes up but she should eat and she will need water. I'm not so worried about Fiona finding Clare here I'm worried about Fiona not telling Eli. I know he's Clare's boyfriend but I don't think he'll take this well and if he freaks out it's only going to make things worse for Clare.

She sleeps for a couple of hours before waking again and asks to shower. She's in there for a while and I get her a pair of my sweats I have here and one of Drew's hoodie's so she doesn't have to wear her dress all day.

"Here you need to drink some water, I know you probably don't feel very hungry but start with some bread," I comment handing them to her when she sits back on Drew's bed.

"Thanks," she says quietly.

"I know what you're going through, not entirely but I was raped by Anson the first time. I know that you feel dirty, and ashamed and part of you never wants to be touched again."

"And scared, I'm terrified to see Asher again, to go to the cops, to look anyone in the eye ever again."

"It's going to feel that way for a while. It will feel like it's never going to get better and that you want to just crawl into a hole and never emerge. But eventually, slowly and with the help of people that care about you it will begin to wither away. It will take a long time but you also have to decide if you're going to let it swallow you and become trapped in the darkness of mistrust and hate or if you're going to be stronger than it and try to live not just to survive."

I don't often get to share pearls of wisdom but this is something I do know about. Something I've been through, more than once just by the lifestyle I led. Clare bites her lip, contemplating my advice. I watch as she rolls her lower lip between her teeth as her mind is probably going a million miles an hour thinking of all manner of things and probably fighting back a few memories.

"I'd like to go home before Fiona gets home," she says quietly.

"Okay I'll take you."

Clare gets her purse and dress and we go down to my car, I drive her home and see Jake's truck in the driveway. At least someone will be here with her.

"Thanks for the ride Bianca, and the advice, tell Drew thanks too," Clare says quietly before getting out of the car.

"If you ever want to talk or just need someone who understands you still have my number right?"

Clare nods and gets out of the car. I watch her walk inside and then I drive to the mall to see Drew.

"Where's Clare?" He asks when I walk up to the kiosk.

"She wanted to go home. I saw Jake's truck there when I dropped her off. She's scared and she's not going to go to the cops. I know how she feels, and I told her that."

"I'm going to get together with Adam after work and tell him. Clare might be mad but I'm not telling Eli and Adam can help her better than I can. It's not like Clare really likes me anyway," Drew remarks.

"I think telling Adam is a good idea. Call me later," I tell him leaning over the counter to kiss him before I leave.

After what Clare's been through I begin thinking about what I've been through. I begin inadvertently wandering to an old hang out, I place I used to come when things at home or with Anson got bad.

"Hey B," Owen calls tugging me out of my thoughts and I look over at him. "What are you doing out here?" He inquires. He's here with Fitz, they seem to be just hanging out.

"Just thinking," I reply nodding hello to the both of them.

"Sounds serious, thinking about what?" Fitz queries.

I'm not entirely sure why I do it but I spill everything to my two oldest friends, "Clare was raped. A couple of nights ago by her co-op boss in his car. Drew and I saw her at the party last night. She was drinking heavily and Drew watched her. They played grizzly details and she confessed it all and he told me later. We took her to his place, she slept on the sofa in his room. She woke up sick and told us the whole story as she cried."

"Where is she now?" Fitz asks.

"I took her home, Jake was there."

"Has she been to the cops?" Owen questions.

"She tried to tell Asher's boss and she didn't believe Clare. Asher had already told his boss that the sex was consensual and Clare's the age of consent and that she's been harassing him. So Clare got fired and now she feels like no one will believe her. It's hard enough for any rape victim to go to the cops but after getting fired and already having one authority figure not believing her I don't think she'll ever be convinced to go to the cops."

"We should get the team and teach Asher a lesson ourselves," Owen comments.

"That might just get you and the team in trouble," Fitz points out to him.

"No way," Owen shakes his head confidently.

"What did she tell you? How bad was it? Has anyone talked to her? Someone should be with her," Fitz says rapidly as he worries about Clare.

"I told her to call me if she needs to talk but the more people she knows she has for support the better. She needs all the support she can get right now. She needs to know people believe her and will listen," I tell him and Fitz nods but I can see how he's thinking, something worries him and I know he wants to be there for Clare. Owen on the other hand seems to have only thing on his mind.

"I'm going to gather the team, what was the name of her co-op boss?" He asks.

"Owen even if convince the rest of the team to hurt Asher you can't tell them about Clare she'd hate that. Besides I'm pretty sure most of your team either wouldn't care or wouldn't understand."

"I won't tell them it's for Clare just that we need to teach someone a lesson," Owen shrugs and I shake my head.

"Asher Shostak, Clare was interning with Asher Shostak at The Interpreter. I'm coming with you," Fitz says.

"You coming B?" Owen asks.

"No I'm going home but when you know what you're doing call me. I'll see you guys later," I reply.

We walk out together and then split up to go to our cars. Part of me hopes that they find Asher and just beat the crap out of him or worse for what he did. I have a feeling if he went that far with Clare he's probably done it before and I wonder how many other girls out there suffered silently because of Asher Shostak.

 **So the update tomorrow, which is the nice thing about One Shot Month, will begin in Adam's pov finding out from Drew.**


	2. An Exclusively Human Emotion

**Welcome to this last chapter for this drama/comfort shot.**

 **Ch. 2 An Exclusively Human Emotion**

 **(ADAM)**

"Hey you want to hang out tonight I just got off work," Drew says. I was surprised to see that he called, he hadn't been in touch too much, except for texts, since he moved out.

"Yeah sure, sounds good."

"I'll come pick you up, be there in a few minutes," Drew tells me and hangs up.

Mom and Dad are out so I wait downstairs and go out when I see Drew's car. We go to one of our favorite taco stands to eat. He's being really quiet and I know something is bothering him.

"Are you going to tell me what's up or do I have to guess?" Wait Bianca's not pregnant is she?"

"No Bianca's not pregnant. It's Clare sh…"

"What about Clare?" I question cutting him off before he can finish his sentence. Drew barely even knows she's alive so how would he know something is up with her before I do.

"Bianca and I went to a party last night and Care was there. She was drinking and she confessed to being raped by her co-op boss a few nights ago," Drew informs me and I feel my stomach drop and lurch. The few bites I just ate threaten to come back up at the thought of my best friend being violated by a man she admired. I stop eating and start shaking slightly as I drop my taco back on the plate. "When she passed out drunk at the party we brought her back to my place. She told us everything when she woke up the next morning. I didn't want to worry you but she's hurting Adam and she doesn't really know me I don't know how to help her and she needs her friends."

"It's good that you told me, Clare wouldn't have she'd probably take the same path as her sister. I hate hearing it and thinking about it but I'm glad that I know."

"She has a sister?" Drew questions.

"Darcy, she's three years older, she was raped on a ski trip but she was drugged and didn't remember anything. She woke up naked next to her boyfriend and thought that she and her boyfriend had sex. But she knew something wasn't right and she just sort of knew, she started to have vague flashes of memory but she didn't tell anyone and she started breaking down, doing things she would never do. It wasn't until she attempted suicide that her parents found out."

"So where's her sister now?"

"Making amends in Africa. Is Clare still at your place?"

"Bianca took her home a few hours ago."

"Can you take me there? I'm not really hungry anymore."

"Yeah come on," Drew nods.

We toss the rest of our food and get back in the car. Drew drives me to Clare's place and I wave to him as I get out of the car. I ring the bell and Jake answers it a moment later.

"She hasn't left her room since getting home and she won't talk to me so I hope you can get her to the open the door," Jake says when he lets me in.

I go up the stairs and knock on Clare's bedroom door, "Clare it's me. Drew told me please let me in."

Jake hears me say this as he's walking past me to get to his room. He raises his eyebrows wondering what on earth I'm talking about. He doesn't ask and goes into his room. It takes a few seconds but Clare does open the door to let me in. She's wearing one of Drew's sweatshirts, and won't look at me she just turns around to sit back on the bed. I close the door and sit at the foot of her bed.

"Have you been to the cops or even the hospital?" I ask and she just shakes her head. "Clare you need to go to the cops and report the rape."

"I tried reporting it to his boss only Asher got their first and told her it was consensual and then I got fired for sexually harassing him. His boss didn't believe me why would the cops. Even if I did go to them it's already on record that I got fired for sexual harassment and that the sex was consensual. It wasn't consensual Adam he held me down in his car and forced himself on me and he's going to get away with it."

Clare starts crying again and I don't know what to do, I want to hold her but she pulls away from my touch so I just sit there. I should tell Eli but every instinct tells me not to. She cries for a while and then she stops but she's still curled up and doesn't move so I just sit there watching her helplessly but don't leave in case she needs me. She doesn't move until she hears the front door open and knows her parents are home.

"You should go," Clare says looking up a little and wiping her tears but still won't look at me.

"Call me if you need me," I tell her and she nods. When I leave Clare's room Jake comes out of his room looking at me for answers. "Just watch over her, keep a close eye on her."

"Adam what the hell happened?"

"Remember how excited she was when she found out she was interning with Asher? He took advantage of that and broke her in the worst possible way," I enlighten him. I'm telling him without really telling him but he should know, he's here with her and he'll be the first one to see her snap if she does it at home.

Jake looks horrified, then ill and then angry. He considers going into her room but then seems to think better of it and goes back into his room. I turn and go downstairs just as their parents come in.

"Adam how nice to see you," Helen smiles.

"I just came to check on Clare, she's not feeling well," I tell them because I have a feeling Clare will stay in her room all night and tell her mom she isn't feeling well.

"Oh dear I should go check on her," Helen says.

I say goodbye to Clare's parents and walk back to my house calling my brother as I walk. I tell him what happened at Clare's house and how worried I am about her.

"We'll watch over her Adam all of us and keep her from breaking like her sister," Drew assures me.

"I hope so; I really hope so."

 **(CLARE)**

"How are you feeling Honey? You don't look like you slept very much," Mom comments when I come downstairs Monday morning.

I'd spent all the day in my room yesterday. Adam told them I wasn't feeling well and after checking on me once Mom left me alone for the rest of the evening. I could tell her that I don't feel well and stay home from school but Asher knows where I live and I don't want to be here alone. I also don't want to spend the day wallowing in my terrified depression. I'm hoping school will be a distraction.

"I feel better and I want to go to school I just didn't sleep very well but I'll be fine," I assure my mom.

"Alright take it easy today, don't work too hard at co-op," Mom says.

"That won't be a problem," I remark before leaving the house. It's quite early but I didn't want to be at my house any longer. I walk to The Dot to have breakfast before school.

"Good morning Clare," Fitz smiles at me.

"Hi Fitz, a double mocha with extra sugar and a croissant please," I order getting my purse out to pay.

"It's on me if we can talk for a moment?" Fitz requests.

"Okay," I nod. Fitz gets my coffee and my croissant taking them to a table and we sit down.

"I know what happened with Asher, Bianca told us."

"I don't want to talk about it and I'm not going to the cops they won't believe me."

"I know I just want you to know that I'm here, if you need me I'm here. You don't have to talk, if you need a shoulder to cry on, or someone to yell at or just need some company so you're not alone."

"Thanks Fitz," I grin and then the door bursts open and Eli storms in.

"What the hell is going on?" Eli demands.

"We were just talking Eli chill," Fitz says getting up to go back behind the counter.

"Talking about what? Where have you been all weekend? I tried calling you."

"I wasn't feeling well Eli."

"Come on I'll walk you to school," Eli says.

I don't want to fight, I don't have the energy so I say goodbye to Fitz and I grab my food and coffee and Eli walks me to school. He puts his arm around me and my skin crawls, it's not his arm it's being touched, touched at all. I slip out of his arm and he gives me a look but I just take a sip of my coffee. He walks me to my locker before leaving to go to his. I open my locker and start to get out books when I suddenly become surrounded by the Ice Hounds. I close my locker and turn to look at them.

"You won't have to worry about Asher any longer," Owen tells me.

"How do you know a…Bianca told you. What do you mean I don't need to worry about Asher anymore?" I inquire.

"Owen means we took care of him," Dallas comments.

"First breakfast with Fitz and now being surrounded by Ice Hounds what is going on with you today?" Eli demands trying to push his way through the hockey team but they won't budge.

"Back off Eli we're just talking to her. If you weren't so wrapped up in your stupid play you might have noticed something was wrong with her. Something we helped," Dallas says snarling slightly at Eli.

"I thought you'd learned your lesson about being a jealous possessive prick," Owen remarks to him.

"So did I. I can't deal with this Eli, not now. I can't deal with you, you're stifling Eli and I need to breathe. We're done," I enlighten him.

"You're breaking up with me?"

"No she already broke up with you and I'm pretty sure she wants you to leave," Dallas corrects.

"Clare I'm sorry," Eli tries.

"Get lost Eli," Owen insists. It takes a few seconds but Eli finally leaves.

"Thanks, I just can't deal with him right now. About Asher what did you do to him? You're not going to get in trouble are you?"

"We wore hockey masks, so did Fitz. Asher is in the hospital; he'll be there for a while but he doesn't know who beat the crap out of him. We left him at the hospital with a note pinned on him that he was a rapist that abuses his power as an authority figure," Owen informs me.

"Thanks for that too," I reply. I'm not sorry they hurt Asher so bad he's in the hospital. I hope that the note is shown to the police, even if they investigate and nothing comes of it at least he'll be scrutinized. Asher doesn't know any of the hockey team or Fitz so he wouldn't be able to recognize their voices but I don't want them to get in trouble.

"Why are you all surrounding Clare?" Adam inquires approaching and the hockey players part for him.

"I'm okay, they were just telling me how they beat up Asher. I also broke up with Eli," I tell Adam.

"Good Asher deserved it and it's probably for the best with you and Eli. Come on let's go to class," Adam says offering me his arm.

I link my arm with his and we walk to class. I survive in this sort of fog all morning, present physically but mentally and emotionally a million miles away. I know Asher is in the hospital and I hope he's in a lot of pain. I hope that when he was getting beat by a bunch of teenage guys in hockey masks that Asher felt even a tiny bit of the pain, humiliation and violation that I felt when he was raping me. Even knowing Asher is in the hospital I never quite feel safe.

I expect that word about the rape will spread and people will be gossiping about it considering the entire hockey team knows. However, by lunch time the biggest gossip is that I broke up with Eli so I guess the hockey team didn't say anything to anyone. Of course the rumor around the school is that I broke up with Eli for one of the Ice Hounds. I don't mind that rumor, I'd rather they think that than know the truth.

"I'm going to find Bianca," I tell Adam when we leave second period.

"So what should I tell Eli? He's going to talk to me about why you broke up," Adam remarks and I sigh.

"Tell him I need space and I can't be with him right now and he needs to respect that. Don't tell him about Asher, he'll want to fix it or tell someone or do something I don't want him to do."

Adam gives me a sympathetic smile before I walk off to find Bianca. I don't know what class she has second period but I know she often eats in the caf, in fact I find her walking there.

"Bianca can I talk to you?"

"Yeah come on I know somewhere quiet we can go," she says. We grab some food from the caf and walk toward the ravine but we go down by the water and sit on a couple of big rocks.

"I guess you know what Fitz and the Ice Hounds did to Asher?"

"Yeah when I told Owen and Fitz that Asher raped you Owen was immediately set on killing Asher and getting the team to help him. Are you mad I told them?"

"No, I probably should be I don't want people to know but it doesn't matter to me that they know. When I heard they beat up Asher I was just…glad isn't really the right word but I wasn't the least bit sorry and I hoped he was in pain. I know vengeance is wrong but…"

"But it's an exclusively human emotion and a completely understandable one for what he put you through. Don't feel guilty for wanting him to be hurt the way he hurt you," Bianca tells me and even hearing it aloud makes me feel better.

"And you know I broke up with Eli?"

"Yeah it's all over the school, well it's all over the school that you broke up with Eli to date one of the Ice Hounds or all of the Ice Hounds."

"Yeah I don't care about that; I'd rather they think that than know the truth. I told Eli that I broke up with him because he was being too possessive and jealous, and that was true. However, I was honestly a little repulsed by the thought of Eli touching me ever again. Not just Eli but anyone, I don't want anyone else to touch me how am I supposed to live like this?"

"It won't always feel that way; you will eventually want to be touched again by the right person. You'll learn to trust again, the fear and the pain will begin to ebb away but it will take time and like I said it will take courage from you not to be swallowed by the darkness Asher left you. Be stronger than him, fight back by living on, if he knows he destroyed you then he wins."

"I don't know if I can do this. I know why Darcy broke down and imploded now. I didn't even feel safe at school even knowing that Asher was in the hospital."

"I know; you probably won't really feel safe anywhere for a while it's because he broke your trust. If you don't feel like you can trust anyone you won't feel safe. Give me your hands," Bianca says and I give her my hands without thinking about it. It's the thought of a guy touching me that's repulsive not girls. "Now close your eyes and clear your mind," Bianca tells me which is easier said than done but I take a couple of deep breaths I almost manage to clear my head. "Now repeat after me; I am Clare Edwards I have nothing to be ashamed of because it was not my fault or my decision."

"I am Clare Edwards I have nothing to be ashamed of because it was not my fault or my decision."

"I am Clare Edwards and I am strong, beautiful, smart and worthy."

"I am Clare Edwards and I am strong, beautiful, smart and worthy," I repeat and it does make me feel a bit better.

"Worthy of trust," Bianca says. I repeat the words and get an image of my parents, Jake, Bianca, Adam, Fitz, Drew, Owen and the rest of the hockey team pops in my mind. "Worthy of being cared for and kept safe," Bianca says. I repeat the words and the same people come into my mind. "Worthy of love," Bianca almost whispers.

"I am worthy of love," I tell myself and I expect an image of Eli to come into my mind but instead the only person in my mind is my family, including Glen and Jake. Although I guess that's a good sign that things really are over with me and Eli and that maybe my feeling for him were never as strong as I thought.

"Good now every time you feel scared or like you're being dragged into the dark or unsafe repeat those words. Did you picture anyone as you said them?"

"Yeah I did," I smile just a little but it's the first time I've been able to smile since the rape.

"Good when you repeat those words think of those same people and remember that there are people that you love and love you, people that trust and will keep you safe."

"Thanks Bianca that was more helpful than pretty much anything anyone else has said."

"I've been where you are, I remember what it was like and I slipped into the darkness before I got pulled out by my friends. It's going to suck, it's not going to be easy just remember if you need someone I'm here, so is Drew, Adam, Fitz and Owen, and your family I'm assuming, even if you don't want to tell them. Come on we better get back to school," Bianca says.

I do feel a bit better when we return to school, not great or happy or even safe but whenever I feel myself start to slip I repeat the affirmation and picture the people again and it helps. It doesn't hurt the Ice Hounds have almost become like body guards, anytime Eli or anyone trying to ask me questions about my breakup tries to get near me one or more members of the hockey team appears and makes them vanish.

When I get home I see a story about Asher being in the hospital and how he's under investigation for undisclosed reasons. At least he's under investigation, I sort of doubt anything will come of it but the fact that he'll be scrutinized and watched for a while is comforting in its own way.

A couple weeks after getting so drunk I passed out and woke up in Drew's room it's my 17th birthday. Eli had planned a party for me at Fiona and Drew's loft but when I broke up with Eli he called the party off. I didn't feel much like doing anything for my birthday after all I still felt dirty and ashamed and didn't really feel safe anywhere or trust anyone. Eventually Adam, Fitz and Bianca convinced me that my birthday needed to be celebrated and so did I. Adam said we could have a party at his house and I could make the list. Adam, Drew and Dallas of course, Owen and the rest of the hockey team, Fitz and Bianca, Jake, Alli, Jenna, Dave and K.C. are who I invited. I'm not exactly having an incredible time or having the birthday bash I pictured but I am having a good time. I actually spend most of the night talking with Fitz. It may not be the 17th birthday I pictured but I'm having a good time, at least until Eli crashes the party.

"GET OUT ELI," Owen yells at him.

"Clare please I need to talk to you I know what happened I pieced it together I know wh…"

"Eli get out we're done. Whatever we had is gone and I don't want to see you anymore. I didn't want to go to you after, I didn't want to be anywhere near you please just leave me alone."

"You heard her, out!" Dallas demands as he and Owen pull him outside. Once Eli is shoved outside they lock the basement door.

"Are you okay?" Fitz asks as we sit back on the sofa.

"I think with some time and everyone here I will be eventually," I reply and Fitz grins.

"Good I'm glad to hear that and to see a little bit of that sparkle of life back in your eye," Fitz says and now I smile.

 **So that does it for this shot, because this doesn't need a third chapter there is no story Monday. Tuesday will be a Pare fluff shot entitled** _ **With Passion in Our Eyes.**_


End file.
